Finding life again

Recently I have decided I need to help myself. You know I have three kids and the baby melts my heart. My other ones probably notice it but I think are greatful because she changes my feelings on what I am going to do next. She has prevented me from leaving. I find myself looking at her so much because I see myself in her. A Lot! I capture a lot of what she does and how she acts. The way she moves, laughs, crys, jokes, and her being her lilself. She is so happy I want to be where she is at. We rode our bikes this past weekend and I had a great time with my kids and not being on the phone in such a long time. It was the most ive done with my body in a long time. We bicycled for 5 hours straight! My ass hurt and my nani too. But you know what I was finally out there doing the things that I love best. Hanging out with my kids. Laughing so hard. I can't really remember when was the last time I did this. This weekend motivated me to get to my shit together and go along with society. I am missing out on life sitting here crying for myself. I know a certain person I love very much and always will I had to avoid along the way recently and I am sorry to leave that behind. But I need to move forward to help myself and not let my kids see me in such depressed pain anymore. They are to good to me for me to do that to them. Everytime I cry they come and comfort me. They hug me with their lil arms. I think wow it doesn't matter that I was gone for a year they understand mom needed to get herself together and in that process she fell back and now they know I need them. They talk to me with so much understanding. I realize I did well raising them right. I have never known three kids from same parent that believe that mom is trying and everything else does not matter only that Im here now and I will be fine. Not sure if you understand what I mean but they are the most amazing kids I know. Yeah they have their flaws but don't we all. Im one to say for sure I have flaws especially having to have been gone out of their lives for a year and everyone here nows my past situation and I had to. Now I feel more strong because Im not in that situation any more. I needed that one year. I did what I was set out to do. I lost myself in the end but I am working my way back with my kids who are helping me and showing me the route back. I remember when I was young I disliked my mom so much I used a knife to my bed and spelled out my mom is a B.... I regret that BTW,. But my kids dont have the same feeling I had for my mother. I sleep in my lil babys bunk and I was surprised to I see MOM spelled in pencil with a star in front of the word MOM. Including Jorgys and Mark Jr. names were written there. I believe my children are gods lil angels he sent them to me to help me conquer what I have been going through. He knew I needed three like me to see me through my way back to life again. I know he knows our future and he saw my future and gave me what he knew was going to save me. I LOVE MY KIDS! Thanks for being sweet with an open heart and understanding children. ;)Love MOM!

Inhale exhale

He loves me he loves me not
Confusion I can not stand
Alone is what I know
Hurt is what I am
Pain is what runs through my veins
Tears is what runs down my cheeks
Fustrasion is what I feel
Life is what I wait to end
I live for my children
Im here to live this life
Can I walk and continue to be
at what cost should that be
Believe is what takes me far
Strength is what gets me strong
My feet is what I stand my ground
My head is what I lift up high
I am here to conquer what I suffer daily.
Bring it cuz I am not fading!
MizzMexiQueen~

Scared of my Future

Do you know when you hear some sad news and you wish you didn't want to hear it. It might not be anything which is what I am praying. But when a professional confirms they feel what u feel then its like a eye opener and pray you don't want to go through any of it. I rather live my life and not know anything else just live it to the fullest and get the best of it. How ever long I have in this life then I just want to live it with me being me and not knowing anything else. I know its not fare for the people in my life but everyone is different in their own way. Mine is this way....... My kids would I think understand when they get older. Because who can live with so much pain of radiation kimo. I have heard many story's I don't want to suffer. I know many woman have fought it and won the battle. I'm just I guess worried I don't have the energy for it. I just hope that what the doctor felt and what I feel every night on my chest is nothing. I will schedule a mammogram appointment tomorrow. Hope to be seen soon. I'm tired of thinking of this. I just want to know. I guess so I know what to do and be ready to except and prepare for the results...... And whatever I decide to do I hope the beautiful people in my life can except my decision.

~My Sons Birthday today~

Today is the birthday of my lil boy. Eleven years ago I gave birth to the only son I have. He means so much to me. The shitty thing I was unable to be with him to celebrate this moment of memory. Happy Birthday lil one your growing up so much and becoming a young man. Imagine in 2 yrs from now you will be facing puberty and teen age boy. You have brought joy to my life even before your existence of my life. I prayed to God to send me you. The day that had I learned of you, my heart skipped a beat, smiled repeatedly, I knew your were my son for the things I craved which you were with in lol. I asked my doctor was it normal to have such cravings surprisingly. You might be asking yourself what that was.... BEER alcohol I know I couldn't believe lol And so my doctor said it was safe to have one was okay. I drank that one and it helped, that was enough for you and me lol. My craving went away but boy did I vomit every freakon day. You sucked me dry I looked like a skeleton walking by. I remember the moments you moved around you kicked and made your feet print looked and felt so cool pressing by. Lol You looked like the movie Aliens trying to excape out of my belly lol. I love you mijo you are my one and only son of mine. Don't you forget it with out you I couldn't move on my life with out you. Your sister I know they understand because they are special in their own way in this heart of mine. Just like you, you are unique. Wouldn't change you, your mine to keep. Happy Birthday my sweet joy boy of mine~Love you always~
MizzMexiQueen~

Thanksgiving the story of my stormy Thankgiving Holiday!

Thanksgiving a day of what is grace, giving thanks to everything, and everyone we are thankful for. My holiday vacation started off good before the time came though I did not think I would feel what I felt. I haven't cried in such a long while, but as the last day of my time at work I found myself longing to see my kids. As the time went shorter ready to leave I desperately awaiting for the time to come three. I set out to leave right out of work and go home pack a small suitcase and head out the door. I set forth to drive the miles for the smiles on their faces I would see on Thanksgiving day the hugs and kisses from my lil blisses. But reality sinked in and I knew it wasn't the time to head out as I already find myself at a bind. It hurt and I ached for that moment of time. But I tucked myself to sleep at the end of that day waking up to a call of my lil look alikes :). Goodmorning mom Happy Thanksgiving Day! We love you so much and so very dearly. That brought joy to my heart but I still longed for their actual hugs and baby kisses. As the day went on we kept in contact of what was a nice Thankgiving day. Spend the special day with my youngest siblins and my very special joy in my heart my eldest daughter I treasure her heart. I taught them my tradition of prayer that I hold dearly every year. The only difference is they werent here. As I prayed to God for our blessed food I caught myself holding back that gulp of tears. They noticed and I saw their expessions I knew I had to stay stronger that moment there after. I did not want them to see me in tears. But through out our dinner my thoughts and prayers were with the two I would love to have seen. Aside from this moment of emptyness I could not believe my parents couldn't even dial for me. I live in the same town as they live and not one word from either one. I couldn't fathem how could they be........ But as life there will always be something taking me down and as I set forth with my quote I live on. What trys to take me down only makes me stonger and free!

MizzMexiQueen~

Life in general, depressed people blah!

Life in general, depressed people blah! Current mood: adored Category: Blogging
I did not get and now I do how life can take you in a whirl of pool. When I arrived I noticed sadness much more depression but my heart was more opened and smiling at constant. Walked around and noticed so many sad faces very serious much like imprisonment that their lives were caught in a warehouse bind. Been there long enough and see how one can get lost and be how I noticed it from someone outside looking within. I finally get what the blank faces I had seen. I though unlike them keep my head high and walk still with that smile I first walked in with. I notice them reacting to me looking like they wish they were feeling full of life like me. I hear it all the time and they tell me why am I so happy even after all I've been through why do I still smile what am I so happy about. I tell them life's to short to make it all about issue and problems and all I know is that I live life to the fullest because Ill only live once and they should too! I also think at the same time.... I just hope and pray I don't end up like them with so much long faces they look like crying tears in a jar waiting for something to happen for them to move .. the jar I start to think let the frustration escape and get it over and done with. Yell it, scream it, say it, and get over it. Start over and remember there's life at the end of the tunnel all you got to do is let yourself go. Once you get there don't look back only because I know how all that feels. I washed my past behind and look forward to what the future holds for me. I'm just glad I'm very cheerful and can make my friends laugh and put a smile on their faces. The others whom wish to stay in the zombie zone oh well you can't save them all.





MizzMexiQueen~

"Better in time" hits home.....

Twelve yrs we been through so much. Thought I couldn't live wit out u. Alot of things always remind me....Time is healing me. I know Im gonna be okay! Ill be fine without you. Even though I still really love you...I gonna smile cuz I deserve to. No more you and me. Its time for me to let you go for me to be free.. Gonna live my life how I should be. No matter how hard it is Ill be fine without u.. Im gonna smile because I deserve to... Enough said the song explains my strength of how I am moving on today. Moving forward and strong. I am smiling more now because I sure deserve to. ;)
~Stormy AKA Ms.Mexiqueen~