Joss Stone Free me and Bruised but not broken

I can relate to those songs, I hear them and Its so just like me. Her words in her song makes me fill exactly what she says. Its like fucking FREE ME! Oh fucking yes! lol I'm just so extraordinary happy doing something that will finally set me FREE! Free from these 14 years of fucking torture! I know for all those years I was bruised but not broken..... And yeah I am a bird finally set free! Hope that my future will be with someone that can appreciate me!

Battling the battle and I hold myself high 2 the end!

Conquering time is what I longed the best of everything I have laid to rest! Enough is enough is what is finally said! You get tired of reason and tired of feeling so helpless and working what you thought would probably be worth it! So many blow offs you've decided to throw in the towel. I am not ashamed to admit this because I can honestly say I have put too much back bone into it. I can walk away with honor knowing I did my part and completed. Unlike you there has never been no remorse and not even half ways the efforts. I can sleep at nights with knowing I tried and my little ones saying mommy did try! I will live everyday from this day forward with the thought of knowing I have more to get through. More for the fact we will battle this issue we will battle till the end till I have no more will within me! That just means I will fight till then end till there's nothing left for you to finish me. I will stand alone in the end Alone with three little people just like me!


(Another good one came to thought I needed to add before I lost it, that's how it comes from my mind and my heart!)

Mexiqueen~

Time Standing Still for me

Gawh its been a few dayz and not sure why I feel so still. Today can be so still tomorrow can be OK. The next day is all the same all over again. I can't stand this moment of time that's standing still. How many more dayz do I have go through feeling like this. Everyday the same routine everyday the same feelings I just can't stand being like this.....

Bundle up

I stand outside walk out the front door and stand on the edge of the patio ledge. The sky is dim and looks so faddishly cloudy. I look everywhere and the mood is so calm. With the feel of winter like all around me. I bundle up with my blanket like sweater just to barely still be able to feel some cool weather. Its so quiet all you hear is silence and wind blowing just a little bit to where it sounds like peacefulness. I love this weather its so relaxing. I breath and out I see is my breath coming out of my mouth warm and smoky like puffing a cigarette which btw I don't do. Looks so nice especially while wearing my favorite slippers. They are sock slippers they fill furry like. God I wish I can feel this every single time. Winter is my favorite time of the year. Ive taken some picture to capture the moment of what I feel. Ive taken the picture through my mind cuz I am too lazy at the moment to go back inside. Being that I am at a comfortable time. :) Hopefully tomorrow will be the same and I will be able to have my camera in hand and take a picture of what I see today. Have a good Sunday Night to all of my family and friends enjoy this holiday weather because it will come to an end!

Confusion

The grass is greener from time to time but most of my time its dry and willow. I believe there is something better for me but nothing happens. I'm here and not here like a video playing and I'm looking in from the other side. Some people want whats best for me but I don't want what they think I want. I love alone! I love the space the time the quietness. I love to jog because I do it alone. I don't like company because all they do is talk and to me that's my time to think and see what I will do next sometimes I go home with nothing but some calmness within myself from what I get from jogging. So much in my life has happened can anyone ever go back. I believe in life we take steps forward not backwards. So what am I doing going back I think. I'm lost but times I'm found it so miserable what is in my mind. I had in my whole time that I have lived one point in my life I was comfortable and that was me being alone able to take care of myself. I loved my independence. Coming and going when ever I pleased. That was my shining time. I proved myself I loved being with myself. I made mistakes that took me away from all that I gained in that year so how do I go back. How do I get that back? Everyone says I need help with how I am and how I feel but whats so wrong about wanting to be alone. I don't believe a woman needs a man to feel complete I feel a woman needs to find herself before anything. The people in her past is what makes me strong I was hurt too many times I am strong enough to stand on my own two feet. Yeah alone I made mistakes and I am today paying for them. But it was mostly feeling sadness and seeing another person suffer which made me weak. But I think that's what gets us by, having compassion for others. In the same sense we lose ourselves. I have again hit a wall I miss the road and I cant do that anymore I know I can't but its my comfort zone. Who would have thought a simple drive and seeing so many landscapes all over can be such a rush of therapeutical. A tear comes down my cheek from time to time to want to be out there and not here where now I feel stuck and there I feel complete. I am stuck in my case no one knows just I know how stuck I am..... You know I wouldn't know if I wanted to be rich because being rich already makes people miserable. In fact it is worst because you would already have everything and people would love you finally but you know its only because they are not truly there for you. All I know I was happy at one point of my life and that was when I was at the top of my life and God knows and only he will know how happy I was. I pray he puts me back to that point again and the next time around I will be a lot smarter how I make my life decisions. I am wiser now and that comes with age and knowledge's of the past mistakes we all make!

Halloween

Well this day is Halloween I am actually since the last time I came here I was so mad. I had so much anger and now I find myself to have taken this anger and simmer it down because it leads to only more complications. Actually last week I went to bed thinking that Monday October 19, 2009' was going to be a better day for me and sure enough it was. I got a call after a jog. It was a great day and a nice walk with so much more confidence. I prayed when the phone rang and thought please God let it be a job. Sure enough my staffing agency called me and asked if I was still looking for work. I let her know I was and she asked me to go in and get info on that specific job. I went and did a test which I did well. She scheduled an appointment and I headed there as soon as I was done with my test. They allowed me to see what the work was and what they have to do everyday. I find it complicated but I think its like that everywhere. She asked if I would like to try it for two week and if all goes well they will keep me. I like it but like I said its very complicated and so many customers call in and complain at times. I actually portray myself to be like them in their kind of situation. They seem to as well want to think I get mad with them but I don't maybe because now and days I just feel numb. I don't get nervous anymore like I use to. Life..... I see it now as just a day by day basis. I don't allow myself to feel nervous. I only feel things when I can't handle the situation or when I didn't do the job as well as I should have. But its not nerves its more like disappointment. Its the end soon of my trial this coming Monday and I will find out on Monday if they will keep me on as their employee. I think there were so many questions I am not sure where they stand right now. Its Halloween now and I am gonna relax for the time being and just have some fun with my kiddos and take them out trick or treating. If anyone even ever reads my blogs well hope you have a safe weekend and Happy safe Halloween night!
"A"

Finding life again

Recently I have decided I need to help myself. You know I have three kids and the baby melts my heart. My other ones probably notice it but I think are greatful because she changes my feelings on what I am going to do next. She has prevented me from leaving. I find myself looking at her so much because I see myself in her. A Lot! I capture a lot of what she does and how she acts. The way she moves, laughs, crys, jokes, and her being her lilself. She is so happy I want to be where she is at. We rode our bikes this past weekend and I had a great time with my kids and not being on the phone in such a long time. It was the most ive done with my body in a long time. We bicycled for 5 hours straight! My ass hurt and my nani too. But you know what I was finally out there doing the things that I love best. Hanging out with my kids. Laughing so hard. I can't really remember when was the last time I did this. This weekend motivated me to get to my shit together and go along with society. I am missing out on life sitting here crying for myself. I know a certain person I love very much and always will I had to avoid along the way recently and I am sorry to leave that behind. But I need to move forward to help myself and not let my kids see me in such depressed pain anymore. They are to good to me for me to do that to them. Everytime I cry they come and comfort me. They hug me with their lil arms. I think wow it doesn't matter that I was gone for a year they understand mom needed to get herself together and in that process she fell back and now they know I need them. They talk to me with so much understanding. I realize I did well raising them right. I have never known three kids from same parent that believe that mom is trying and everything else does not matter only that Im here now and I will be fine. Not sure if you understand what I mean but they are the most amazing kids I know. Yeah they have their flaws but don't we all. Im one to say for sure I have flaws especially having to have been gone out of their lives for a year and everyone here nows my past situation and I had to. Now I feel more strong because Im not in that situation any more. I needed that one year. I did what I was set out to do. I lost myself in the end but I am working my way back with my kids who are helping me and showing me the route back. I remember when I was young I disliked my mom so much I used a knife to my bed and spelled out my mom is a B.... I regret that BTW,. But my kids dont have the same feeling I had for my mother. I sleep in my lil babys bunk and I was surprised to I see MOM spelled in pencil with a star in front of the word MOM. Including Jorgys and Mark Jr. names were written there. I believe my children are gods lil angels he sent them to me to help me conquer what I have been going through. He knew I needed three like me to see me through my way back to life again. I know he knows our future and he saw my future and gave me what he knew was going to save me. I LOVE MY KIDS! Thanks for being sweet with an open heart and understanding children. ;)Love MOM!