wow reading a lot on my blogs I need to change my outlook in life!

I read a lot of what I have writen in the past and god I was such a sad person.... I have come a long ways from then I feel different today! Its as if walking away has done me good... Im happy and content I am watching a movie with my kids while reading my past blogs and thinking how I felt then and how I FEEL and how I am now. Being home knowing I have a job and I will pay the bills on my own makes me proud of myself. Life has changed since I walked away from all of that negative stage. Im all giddy and in a happy place.This is what I longed for in such a long time! SOmething I told someone I will carry those words to my heart live laugh and love thats what life is all about... Glad I learned that now better late then never right ;) WooT wOot!

My 34th birthday~

Okay so yesterday was for most part OK, Did the things I had to do and caught up and reminisced about history with a friend from way back in the day. Similar situations hard to believe but know that I am not the only one that went through the same shit. Started drinking wine my half of the day and surprisingly one of my good friends came by and whisked me away. Took me to a Mexican restaurant for dinner and drinks. Laugh most of the night about funny shit! We drank and drank till my words came out slurrrish lol I knew I was in a really good place! To top it all of my father called,... in my whole time of living this was the first birthday call. He wished me a good day and love, hugs, and kisses. Hard times, hard times I have to admit!, but this as the icing on the cake. Hanging up noticed more drinks were coming in our way... From a group of people seeing we were having a good time because it was my day! Happy Birthday they said enjoy! u two beautiful women. How old r u two? like 22, 25 lol yeah right I was thinking if only that was my age. But we excepted the drinks and excepted the compliments from the people side from us. Two men with their guitars came up and sang me a song it was awesome I was flourished and numb... Just for the fact I had such a great time! Thank you Patty your a great friend! The same people who bought us more drinks paid the men to sing more for me. Ended the evening getting home safe, these two good looking men staring as us two beautiful women. Saying hello, how r u doing this evening? lol We laughed and giggled saying to them u two are sweet and commenting back, what r ur names? I turned around walking up my stairs saying u two boys need to go home, because this birthday girl is done for the count. They asked its ur birthday how old u turn sexy lady? lol 34 and loving it! Thanks for allowing me to feel young! Have good night! Then the door opened kids surprised me with a chocolate cake they baked for me while I was out! I had a bite only cuz I was stuffed of so many margaritas and nachos we ate. The cake was delic I was surprised my kids baked me a cake while i wasn't here. Well today I woke with light coming in my window down to my face at 6 am thinking what the hell? How many drinks did I drink I last night I don't think I want to drink for a very long time! Yeah right like if that's going to happen. But for now I need to get my some tylenols and comment on fb! Did that then went right back to bed! All in all I entered my birthday with a BANG! ;) Thanks for you all for wishing me a very Happy Birthday! Lets see what this year holds for you all and me! Have a Great weekend I need to study got finals soon and I haven't even started! :P


April AKA Mexiqueen~

Joss Stone Free me and Bruised but not broken

I can relate to those songs, I hear them and Its so just like me. Her words in her song makes me fill exactly what she says. Its like fucking FREE ME! Oh fucking yes! lol I'm just so extraordinary happy doing something that will finally set me FREE! Free from these 14 years of fucking torture! I know for all those years I was bruised but not broken..... And yeah I am a bird finally set free! Hope that my future will be with someone that can appreciate me!

Battling the battle and I hold myself high 2 the end!

Conquering time is what I longed the best of everything I have laid to rest! Enough is enough is what is finally said! You get tired of reason and tired of feeling so helpless and working what you thought would probably be worth it! So many blow offs you've decided to throw in the towel. I am not ashamed to admit this because I can honestly say I have put too much back bone into it. I can walk away with honor knowing I did my part and completed. Unlike you there has never been no remorse and not even half ways the efforts. I can sleep at nights with knowing I tried and my little ones saying mommy did try! I will live everyday from this day forward with the thought of knowing I have more to get through. More for the fact we will battle this issue we will battle till the end till I have no more will within me! That just means I will fight till then end till there's nothing left for you to finish me. I will stand alone in the end Alone with three little people just like me!


(Another good one came to thought I needed to add before I lost it, that's how it comes from my mind and my heart!)

Mexiqueen~

Time Standing Still for me

Gawh its been a few dayz and not sure why I feel so still. Today can be so still tomorrow can be OK. The next day is all the same all over again. I can't stand this moment of time that's standing still. How many more dayz do I have go through feeling like this. Everyday the same routine everyday the same feelings I just can't stand being like this.....

Bundle up

I stand outside walk out the front door and stand on the edge of the patio ledge. The sky is dim and looks so faddishly cloudy. I look everywhere and the mood is so calm. With the feel of winter like all around me. I bundle up with my blanket like sweater just to barely still be able to feel some cool weather. Its so quiet all you hear is silence and wind blowing just a little bit to where it sounds like peacefulness. I love this weather its so relaxing. I breath and out I see is my breath coming out of my mouth warm and smoky like puffing a cigarette which btw I don't do. Looks so nice especially while wearing my favorite slippers. They are sock slippers they fill furry like. God I wish I can feel this every single time. Winter is my favorite time of the year. Ive taken some picture to capture the moment of what I feel. Ive taken the picture through my mind cuz I am too lazy at the moment to go back inside. Being that I am at a comfortable time. :) Hopefully tomorrow will be the same and I will be able to have my camera in hand and take a picture of what I see today. Have a good Sunday Night to all of my family and friends enjoy this holiday weather because it will come to an end!

Confusion

The grass is greener from time to time but most of my time its dry and willow. I believe there is something better for me but nothing happens. I'm here and not here like a video playing and I'm looking in from the other side. Some people want whats best for me but I don't want what they think I want. I love alone! I love the space the time the quietness. I love to jog because I do it alone. I don't like company because all they do is talk and to me that's my time to think and see what I will do next sometimes I go home with nothing but some calmness within myself from what I get from jogging. So much in my life has happened can anyone ever go back. I believe in life we take steps forward not backwards. So what am I doing going back I think. I'm lost but times I'm found it so miserable what is in my mind. I had in my whole time that I have lived one point in my life I was comfortable and that was me being alone able to take care of myself. I loved my independence. Coming and going when ever I pleased. That was my shining time. I proved myself I loved being with myself. I made mistakes that took me away from all that I gained in that year so how do I go back. How do I get that back? Everyone says I need help with how I am and how I feel but whats so wrong about wanting to be alone. I don't believe a woman needs a man to feel complete I feel a woman needs to find herself before anything. The people in her past is what makes me strong I was hurt too many times I am strong enough to stand on my own two feet. Yeah alone I made mistakes and I am today paying for them. But it was mostly feeling sadness and seeing another person suffer which made me weak. But I think that's what gets us by, having compassion for others. In the same sense we lose ourselves. I have again hit a wall I miss the road and I cant do that anymore I know I can't but its my comfort zone. Who would have thought a simple drive and seeing so many landscapes all over can be such a rush of therapeutical. A tear comes down my cheek from time to time to want to be out there and not here where now I feel stuck and there I feel complete. I am stuck in my case no one knows just I know how stuck I am..... You know I wouldn't know if I wanted to be rich because being rich already makes people miserable. In fact it is worst because you would already have everything and people would love you finally but you know its only because they are not truly there for you. All I know I was happy at one point of my life and that was when I was at the top of my life and God knows and only he will know how happy I was. I pray he puts me back to that point again and the next time around I will be a lot smarter how I make my life decisions. I am wiser now and that comes with age and knowledge's of the past mistakes we all make!